Lotus (songfic)
by Faith-chan
Summary: What happens when Mazoku eat Lotus flowers? What happens when insane songs get stuck in insane writers heads? What happens when said writer has too much caffiene? Read and find out!


Authors Notes: Ok, my first songfic, be kind. Hee hee, the inspiration came to me as I washed dishes for three hours in my school's dining hall and I started singing various REM songs. A few lines from got stuck in my head, and...it was all down hill from there.   
This takes place at no particular time or place in the Slayers universe. I just wrote it cuz I wanted to torture my Xel-kun. ^_^  
||^_^||;;  
Oh, please note, I admit that I dunno much about Deep Sea Dolphin, so please dun flame me, I'm just having fun.  
  
Disclaimer: I don't own Slayers (how many times do I have to TELL you people! I don't! I really don't!! If I did, why would I be sitting on my arse in a dorm room spending a tenth of my time studying psychology and the rest writing warped stories!? *deep breath* Ok, I'm calm now), nor do I own this song. I don't remember who owns Slayers (except that it's NOT ME! GRR!), and REM has (REM is cool!)   
  


Lotus  


  


_hey hey.  
I was hell  
sarcastic silver swell.  
that day it rained  
tough spun. hard won. no  
ocean flower aquarium_  


  
  
There once was a Dark Lord named Deep Sea Dolphin. She was a bit crazy. Ok, more than a bit, she was very crazy. Sometimes she would be happy crazy, and dance around and sing to herself. Sometimes she would be paranoid crazy, and curl up and hide away for a few hundred years, convinced that the ceiling was staring at her and that the bubbles were whispering behind her back. And sometimes she was bored crazy, wandering around in search of things to amuse her. At the moment, she was bored.   
  
  


_badlands. give a hand.  
honey dipt. flim flam  
hey hey. hey hey.  
that cat can walk like a big bad man._  


  
  
Dolphin thought and thought and thought about how she could amuse herself. She wandered into the human world, sometimes disguising herself, and sometimes not, depending on her mood. The humans amused her greatly, they did such funny things. Not like her people, they rarely did anything funny. Stupid stinky Mazoku. Always just fight fight fighting.   
  
Then Dolphin got an idea. A good, fun, interesting idea. She could play a joke on a Mazoku! That would be much more fun and challenging than playing jokes on plain ol humans! But what kind of joke. Dolphin sat and thought and thought and thought for a long time. Then she thought some more. THEN, she got an idea. A good idea. A slippery grin slid across her face and her eyes lit up as she began to form a plan.   
  
There was a plant. It had a funny effect on humans. An even funnier effect on Mazoku. What was it called? Lotus. Lotus leaves, Lotus flower, Lotus root! Yes yes yes, good good good! She knew where the Lotus plants grew. Phasing in a few yards away from her target, she snuck up on the unsuspecting blossoms. With a harsh cry, she pounced, catching her quarry unaware! She had defeated the plant, and with a pouch full of leaves, petals, and roots, she happily phased away from the now very frightened and disturbed Lotus patch.   
  
Now she had her ingredients. All she needed was a good victim. Where oh where oh where could she find a nice little Mazoku to play her happy little prank on? Oh, there, that looks promising. A powerful Mazoku. His energy seems familiar. Ah-ha! One of Zelas-chan's minions! What was his name? Xellos! That was it! Oh, he was the Trickster! Good good!! Wonderful! This would be splendid indeed!  
  
  


_so happy to show us  
I ate the lotus.  
say haven't you noticed?  
I ate the lotus_  


  
  
Lina, Gourry, Amelia, Zelgadis, Filia, and Xellos were in a very familiar scene: seated around an inn table piled high with dishes. Lina, Gourry, and Amelia were battling for the food spread out before them. Zelgadis was quietly sipping coffee and ignoring the battle going on beside him. Filia was trying to enjoy her tea while glowering at Xellos, who was happily floating in mid-air, sipping his own tea and enjoying the waves of irritation Filia sent in his direction.   
  
No one noticed the blue-haired woman carefully tip-toeing up behind Xellos. This was probably because she was using an interesting trick she'd taught herself over years and years of practice. She could make herself invisible both on the physical and astral planes; a handy trick when one is trying to hide from the ceiling and the bubbles.   
  
No one saw her turn the Lotus root, leaves, and petals into a fine powder. And no one saw her sprinkle that powder into Xellos' tea  
  
  


_storefront window, I reflect.  
just last week I was merely heck  
tip the scale. I was hell  
picked me up, then I fell.  
_

  
  
Xellos sipped his tea, opened his eyes, and blinked. And blinked again. He sniffed at his tea. Filia noticed his strange behavior, since she had been glowering at him.   
  
What's wrong, Xellos, someone put sugar in your tea? she quipped, turning her nose up at the Mazoku. Her question got the attention of Zelgadis and Amelia (Lina and Gourry were still too busy battling over the remnants of the meal to notice), who turned to look at the purple haired Mazoku.   
  
Xellos muttered, floating down till he was seated on the floor. Now everyone had turned their attention to the Mazoku, who was weaving slightly, even though he was sitting. I do believe... that someone put something into my tea... that was not called for in the recipe.   
  
*Naga appears from nowhere, announced by a loud boing* OH HOHOHOHO!! Everyone winced and covered their ears, especially the now very-disoriented-looking Xellos. Amelia appeared to go into a deep state of shock. Naga went over to Xellos, took his teacup from him, and sniffed delicately at the contents. OH HOHOHOHO!! This tea is an unusually rare and special blend of herbs from around the world. However, someone has added a large amount of extracts from the Lotus plant to it! Nothing escapes Naga's sensitive nose! With that, the breasts... err, Naga disappeared as suddenly as she had entered, the teacup falling to the floor and shattering.   
  
Once everyone had recovered from their relative states of shock (with Zelgadis still trying to fan Amelia back to wakefulness), Gourry asked the question that was on everyone's mind.   
  
Were those REAL? He stared down at Lina's chest, as if to compare; at which, the fiery sorceress beat him to a pulp. Then Filia asked the OTHER question that was on everyone's mind.   
  
What's a Lotus plant? Everyone shrugged, except for Gourry and Xellos. Gourry was unable to shrug due to being in a mangled heap on the floor. Xellos didn't shrug because... well.... He was too busy giggling. He had a panicked look in his violet eyes and both of his hands clamped over his mouth and nose in an effort to stifle the tiny laughs, but to no avail. Filia saw the corner of a book peeking out from one of the folds in Xellos' cloak, so she carefully reached over and grabbed the book, hoping that it might be one of those guide books the Mazoku seemed to have hundreds of, and that it might have some useful information in it.   
  
  


_who's this stranger? crowbar spine  
...and I feel fine.  
let it rain, rain, rain  
bring my happy back again._  


  
  
As the Ryuuzoku was reaching for the text, though, her hand inadvertently brushed against Xellos' side (sure Filia, INADVERTENTLY, whatever you say... YIPE! Put mace-sama down and get back into the story!). Inexplicably, Xellos' fit of giggles got worse and he squirmed away from the touch. Everyone gave him a puzzled look as Filia finally got the book and began to leaf through it.   
  
Filia declared as she found the right page. (Since this is MY story, I have declared that the book was the correct one. MUAHAHAAA!! The power of the Author.) The Lotus plant, Filia began to read aloud, Is a rare and beautiful flower that only grows in a few areas. It is a highly magical and potent plant. If any part of this plant is ingested by a Mazoku, that Mazoku will usually suffer from a variety of symptoms. Among these symptoms are bouts of non-maniacal-laughter, ticklishness, feelings of happiness and/or joy, and an relative inability to be deceitful or dishonest. Also, magical abilities will be severely impaired. Symptoms usually last for about 24 to 48 hours, depending on the amount of Lotus ingested. A look of terror flashed across Xellos' face.   
  
You mean *giggle* this will take a whole day *giggle* to wear off!? the Mazoku cried between fits of laughter.   
  
Maybe two days, Zelgadis added solemnly. Though the chimera's expression remained stony (ha ha), his eyes danced with laughter at Xellos' situation.   
  
Dolphin was sitting at the back of the inn, still invisible, laughing her pretty blue head off. Oh, this was a wonderful WONDERFUL joke indeed!   
  
  


_so happy to show us  
I ate the lotus.  
say haven't you noticed?  
I ate the lotus_  


  
  
It didn't take Filia long to figure out what a wonderful opportunity this was. She could actually extract her revenge on the namagomi now, for all the times that damned Mazoku had tormented her, pestered her, and generally insulted her. She grinned at the Mazoku, not realizing how close her expression was to the trickster grin that Xellos himself usually wore.   
  
So Xellos, she purred, Your powers have all but abandoned you, you can't lie, and you're susceptible to tickling now. Quite the interesting situation. Xellos had a look of pure terror on his face as Filia advanced on him, followed closely by Zelgadis. Lina and Amelia weren't too far behind. Gourry was busy trying to recover the strength Lina had beat out of him by eating whatever food remained on the table.   
  
You know, you've caused us a lot of troubles over the years, Xellos-san, Amelia said, crossing her arms and looking down at the Mazoku sternly.   
  
Well, ah, I... Xellos stammered, keeping a wary eye on Filia's fingers, fearing a tickle attack. Chaos, destruction, pain, death...that was what he knew how to deal with. But THIS situation was downright disturbing!   
  
  


_let it rain, rain, rain  
save me from myself again  
wash away my ugly sins  
opposing thumb, dorsal fin  
_

  
  
Maybe you now could tell us now why you've been following us around for so long, Zel said with an evil smirk on his face. Xellos giggled, thinking quickly about how he could answer the question without lying, but then he realized he never really LIED to them, he always just told them...   
  
Sore wa himitsu desu! he said, smiling a genuine grin between his giggles.   
  
I don't think that's gonna cut it this time, Xellos, Filia said sweetly, kneeling down next to the Mazoku. Oh, she was going to enjoy this. (Yes Filia, we know you will... ACK! Hey, what did I tell you about mace-sama!-- *thwack* x_X;; Itai... *ahem* Back to the story now.) Filia poked Xellos in the side, just under his ribs, and the Mazoku yelped, trying to squirm away; only to find that the others had formed a small circle around him. They were all grinning HIS grin. It was a scary sight indeed.   
  
So, you feel like telling us yet? Lina asked, kneeling down to grin evilly in the Mazoku's face. His amethyst eyes were wide and he couldn't suppress a bout of giggles as Filia poked him again, this time in the armpit.   
  
he gasped out, almost choking on his laughter.   
  
  


_that monkey died for my grin  
bring my happy back again  
let it rain, rain, rain  
bring my happy back again_  


  
  
Come on, Xellos, I can keep this up all night! Filia said. (BAD, BAD hentai author! Get your mind OUT of the gutter! ....*snicker*.....) The Mazoku was squirming almost uncontrollably now under the onslaught of tickle warfare. Xellos racked his brain for something truthful he could say without divulging his secret.   
  
Ummm, because my Master told me to! he exclaimed, desperately hoping they'd accept it. Zelgadis shook his head, grinning as much as the chimera ever grinned. _He's enjoying this way too much. It's not very nice to laugh at other people's suffering! Oh, wait..._'   
  
Come off it, Xellos, we know there's something more to it. You have to get something out of this for yourself, or else you would have left long ago, Zelgadis said, still grinning. Now spill it. The chimera WAS enjoying this. Giving Xellos a taste of his own medicine, getting even for all the tricks, and actually getting some ANSWERS from the purple-haired menace to sanity for once.   
  
_This is not good,_' Xellos mused while trying to bat away Filia's invading fingertips, think of a way out of Zelgadis' question, and stifle the stream of giggles that was still trickling out of him.   
  
Ummm... well... it's... because... he stammered, knowing this was a losing battle. He tried to phase out, but it didn't work. Everybody's eyes grew wide and they leaned in, eager to hear a long-awaited answer from their Mazoku companion. Xellos broke into a sweat.   
  
Because he knows that piggy wonks are in season! cried a new voice, as a blue-haired woman descended on the group.   
  
cried everyone, including Xellos.   
  
Piggy wonks! exclaimed the woman again, taking something out of a pouch at her side and stuffing it into Xellos' giggling mouth before he could protest. They're the antidote for most of the symptoms brought on by the Lotus plant! she cried. And with that, she disappeared. Xellos swallowed the strange substance in his mouth, and he immediately felt his powers return.   
  
Well, that's much better! the now giggle-free trickster said, much to everyone's chagrin.   
  
Damn, we were so close, too, Zelgadis grumbled.   
  
I wonder what that weird lady meant when she said that those piggy things would counteract MOST of the symptoms of the Lotus plant, Amelia mused. Filia grumbled as she stood up, upset that her fun had been ruined by that strange woman. Irritated, she poked at Xellos' side one last time, just to try and annoy the Mazoku.   
  
He yelped at the touch and squirmed away.   
  
Filia grinned.   
  
  


_so happy to show us  
I ate the lotus.  
say haven't you noticed?  
I ate the lotus  
I ate the lotus  
I ate the lotus_  
  
  


  
End Notes: Piggy Wonks is my phrase of the week. It amuses me. That's all there is to that particular randomness. My most profound apologies to my baby brother, who was very upset that I took the most cracked-out song ever and had it make some kind of sense. I STILL don't think that this makes sense, but oh well. I hope you can forgive me, fuzz bucket! As for everyone else, lemmie know what you think! Pretty please with sugar on top?


End file.
